So You're Bossy? WHIP IT!

There's this advertisement I recently came across that instantly caught my attention.
It was a commercial from Pantene Philippines and you would assume it was about hair. So... what's so powerful about hair?

Pantene Philippines and Rappler have launched #Whipit, an integrated advertising campaign focused on putting an end to labels about women. The television commercial at the heart of the campaign provides a range of word associations linked with gender in the workplace. The ad finishes with Pantene brand ambassador Catriona Gray encouraging women to discard the business straitjacket. Social news network Rappler has provided the research behind #Whipit, running a Beating The Odds forum and promoting online discussion around gender stereotypes and business.

There's a Harvard Business Study in the case of Heidi Roizen.
Heidi Roizen, a venture capitalist at SOFTBANK Venture Capital and a former entrepreneur, maintains an extensive personal and professional network. She leverages this network to benefit both herself and others. The case considers the steps she's taken to build and cultivate a network that is both broad and deep.

Here was the catch:
Half of the class randomly received their case with one teensy tiny change made: The name "Heidi" was changed to "Howard." Afterward, the students were surveyed, and though Heidi and Howard were found equally competent (as they should have been because they are the same person), the students found Howard much more likeable. (upworthy.com)

It's a sad reality, and one that I can relate to so very well.
I often found throughout my years in the business world and even in my personal life, I was always frequently looked upon as the "bossy", "snobby" or "bitchy" type. Why? I don't know.
Those were not my intentions as my main objective for my career was to work the best I can while staying real to who I am.
I offered my opinions, I stayed professional yet attempted to keep an open line of communication with my peers and be as nice as I can possibly be without seeming "overly nice" (which many often will confuse as being "fake").
I hate that women have to be examined so scrupulously and then judged so quickly.

I'm sorry I am just not the smiley-face, tooting every single horn, and will only tell you what you want to hear type of person.
And it's true. If my name was Charles, I bet I would be conceived differently.
And I would definitely have more "fans".

Now that I have a daughter, I see many of my strong traits in her and I couldn't be more proud.

Here's the Pantene Ad that pretty much sums it up in 60 seconds.

Oprah sat down with Sheryl Sandberg about her book, Lean In, where she she shared the case study of Heidi Roizen.

"If a women is competent, she does not seem nice enough.
If a women seems really nice, she is more nice than competent.
Since people want to hire someone that is both competent and nice, this creates a huge stumbling block for women."

(Excerpt from Lean In from Sheryl Sandberg)

Watch as Oprah and Sheryl discuss how businesswomen are judged differently than their male counterparts.

To learn more about the study, click here.

And please ladies, even if you're not having the greatest hair day -- Whip it! And Whip it good! ;)
Peace, love and chocolate.

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A Supportive Community for New Moms: Playtex Mom Trust

I still fondly remember my first days of being a new mom.
It was a weave of emotions: contentment, bliss, anxiousness, uncertainty.

After successfully placing our car seat inside our car with our newborn daughter inside, the hospital in the distance as we slowly (very slowly...) drove away, both my husband and I sat in silence and wondering in our heads: That's it. We're on our own now. 
We were young, inexperienced and although elated and overjoyed to have our little girl coming home, we didn't know what to expect.

Me with 5 Week Old Ava (2008)

This is so common for all new moms. I even had a whole new bout of emotions after my 2nd child was born -- I even suffered from post-partum blues (see my post here).
I believe it's just the motherly protectiveness that overpowers and because we just want to make sure they're OK.

It's always great to have support and advice from seasoned mothers and even just solace from other mothers that are going through the same thing.

I was happy to learn of Playtex Mommyville. 

The Playtex Mommyville Community brings new Canadian moms and moms to be together to share moments, thoughts and tips about caring for your newborn.

When my daughter was born, I relied only on my mom and other family and friends and of course my doctor. There were often times that I needed some reassurance with issues that my mom or friend never experienced with their child.

I wasn't really as active online so I didn't utilize the benefits of a supportive online community.

Benefits of being a mom in Generation Z!

I was happy to be chosen to be part of the new Mom Trust Program which is affiliated with Playtex Mommyville. I jumped at the opportunity to participate because I understand and appreciate how valuable a community like Mom Trust is for all new moms alike.
The Mom Trust program is a virtual, North American network of moms (10 from Canada and 10 from the US). The vision for this program is to have influential moms share their stories, tips, insights and unique experiences of motherhood, while also providing reviews on amazing Playtex products.

Did I mention I cannot live without my Playtex Diaper Genie Elite?
Check out what a few of my readers that I gave the opportunity to test the Diaper Genie Elite had to say here.

Still wondering what the advantages are of joining the Mommyville Community?
You will get:

• special offers
• create a personalized profile
• monthly sweepstakes - each month they offer contests and promotions
• reviews of Playtex products
• customized newsletter based on age or due date of your child to your inbox
• articles and Baby FAQ section to find empowering information to help you along the way

To join the Mommyville Community, sign up here.
You can also join them on Facebook at Facebook.com/playtexmommyville .

Navigate the exciting and sometimes challenging world of motherhood with us! Take Care.




----
Disclosure: I am part of the Mom Trust Program with Playtex and receive compensation as part of my affiliation with this group; however all opinions expressed are entirely my own.

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When Mom-Petition Rears its Ugly Head

You know the type.
The one that you try to avoid shallow talk with by burying your head in your phone the moment she passes by because you’re so tired of hearing her boast and brag about her child’s brand new achievement yet talks down upon other children and their parents.
Or the one that pretends to be supportive and enthralled in your chatter about how happy you are that your daughter is now enrolled in gymnastics and as soon as you speak your last word she quickly pipes in that her daughter’s gymnastics class are 4x champions and her daughter just happens to also take 4 other classes as well.
“Oh, it’s so busy for us but it’s all worth it.” She ends with a rather impish grin.
I guess this will never end in our society of being nothing but THE BEST.
Do we realize what this will teach our children?

It’s all over the media too – in shows like Dance Moms or Cheer Perfection. But those are publicly extreme. They will mostly only show the banter. In reality, the competitiveness is usually very silent.

I grew up in a very competitive family.
We love the thrill of the sport and I admit, there were times friendly games would end up serious arguments.
Lucky for me, my parents never said to me, “You are the best!” I know it sounds like my parents are horrible for not doing so but let me finish.
Instead, they would tell me “You did an amazing job!”  or “Way to go!” or even better “I’m so proud of you - Great job!”
Do you know what that taught me?
It taught me growing up that although I can be great at something, there are other kids/people around me that are just as good. It molded my thinking in a way that I didn't let success get to my head.
We need to start remembering that for our children.

Over-competitive behavior or “Mom-petition” as I like to call it is not a problem unless it takes a toll on your children, their friends and other parents.
It should not hamper the physical, mental, and psychological growth of kids and the friendly relations with fellow parents. Lead by example – your children will blossom to become quite similar to you.
Most importantly, understand the importance of healthy competition in life and make efforts to instill the same spirit in kids as well.

Have you ever had to deal with Mom-Petition around you?
How do you deal or have you dealt with it?

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Mom-ME Time

"Tonight,we are young.  So let’s set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun."

That song is so catchy, isn't it?! Wonder why we seem to be so captivated by this song airing all over the radio stations by Fun?  

Because we love the idea of being young again. 

Being carefree and just having that one awesome night where you can "set the world on fire" just like you use to have before the kids came along.  Before the career prospered.  Before the mortgage payments among the other monthly bills kicked in. 

Do you remember those times?

Recently, we set our clocks back one hour as it was the end of daylight savings and everywhere I looked people were excitedly commenting about that extra hour they would get that day, specifically that extra hour of sleep.  And while they were all chattering away with anticipation for fall-back, here I was rolling my (raccoon-like) eyes, grasping tightly to my coffee mug that has been my daily side-kick for the past few weeks while attempting to reply to a quick email before the baby woke up for his feeding or my 4 year old daughter figured out I was away for too long & needed something from me.  Sleep? What is that? Not sure it's even in my vocabulary anymore.

And that extra hour? That extra hour will mean absolutely nada to me or my entire household.

I'm pretty sure my children will not get the memo -- it may even make for an even messier schedule. *sigh*

What do you do when you finally get that time to yourself?  Sadly, I have to admit any extra time during the day is spent either catching up on emails or some sort of household chore.

I would like to take this moment to brag profusely about the amazing and supportive husband I have.  It's the new generation of fathers out there.  The ones that (thank goodness), play such a huge part in helping out with the children and household duties.  In fact, I don't think I know any new-age father out there these days that don't actively participate in the daily grind of parenting (that includes diaper changes and laundry!).

My husband is the designated diaper changer in this house -- King of Poopies, if you will.
And you know what, he has no issues with it at all.  If you watch all the new diaper commercials these days, who do you usually see in them? Dads! Bless them. :)

Okay, back to what I was initially trying to talk about here in this post -- our youth, our vitality, our freedom.

When was the last time you felt young? And when I say that, the last time you let yourself go?

When I say let yourself go, I'm not talking about wearing mom jeans, gaining an irresponsible 25 lbs by chowing down on nothing but junk food with zero exercise...

or wearing socks with crocs or even worse...
the "UGG-ly" sweat pants tucked into a pair of Ugg boots everywhere you go.  Sorry if I offended anyone here... actually I'm not sorry -- what are you thinking?








I'm talking about a time recently when you were out not thinking or worrying about anything to do with life, just indulging in some good-for-you gratification? Mom-ME time I call it.

Stop for one second and breathe!
Schedule some time away, just by yourself. You can schedule another time with your hubby (equally important) or friends & family. But try going out on your own. Just you sans kids.  It's liberating.  And it's healthy.

I just recently did this for myself as I am guilty of never wanting to leave the kids (especially having an 8 week old baby) and very rarely get out.  And boy did it feel amazing.
It was as simple as heading to the local bookstore, browsing through books and novelty products while enjoying a tall green tea latte.
For once, even if it only lasted for about 30 minutes until I passed the baby and kids section, did I not think about my daily responsibilities.
It was 30 minutes of uninterrupted me time (mind & body), that I very much needed.
We all do.

Okay, so I didn't "set the world on fire" or anything, Chapters would probably sue me had I done something to equate to that greatness, but I felt invigorated.  When driving to and from my destinations, I pumped my music (MY music -- no wiggles or Gangnam Style *my 4 year old is obsessed*) and just enjoyed the one hour of freedom I had.

So Moms, seriously, don't forget...

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What To Expect When Your Child Starts Kindergarten

Only a few weeks left to go until us anxious mommies send our little ones off on one of their biggest adventures yet -- Kindergarten! 

If you're a first-time Kindergarten Parent such as myself, you're definitely left with so many questions & concerns that you're dying to have answered.  On top of the obvious nervousness, it's a very exciting milestone for your child and all part and parcel of their wonderful journey to discovery and growth.

Who am I kidding?

I am chewing my nails off, reading every single article there is out there about Kindergarten making sure my little girl is more than prepared, asking many more seasoned moms and dads tons of questions, tackling the early back-to-school shopping (even before they hit the shelves) and fending off premature tears.

Glad to know that this is normal and I'm not just one unbalanced and delirious mother that's blowing this way out of proportion.

I was able to gather some more great questions from other first-timer mom's and dad's and luckily was able to have them answered from a friend that also happens to be a Designated Early Childhood Educator.

Whether you're enrolling your child in full-day or half-day Kindergarten, hopefully by answering these questions, it will ease the anxiety for you and for your child who is starting kindergarten.

1) What can we expect our child to experience on their first day/week?

School is an exciting experience.  At first, your child may be nervous about being way from home.  Your attitude toward the start of school can help set a positive tone.  If you do feel anxious or worried, try not to pass those feelings along to your child.

The first day and even the first week, will be a busy one.  It will be a day that the child gets to meet his/her teacher and D.E.C.E., meet new friends, and familiarize and explore the classroom.  Routines are not implemented yet until a few days or until the majority of the children seem settled in.  However, routines will be introduced to begin the flow of the day for the children.  

2) What’s an average day like?

The kindergarten classroom is alive with activity centres, artwork, toys, learning spaces, creative materials, books, letters and words, dress-up clothes, art supplies, listening centres, sand and water tables, child-size furniture, blocks, puzzles, games, paper, writing tools, and much more.  Many classrooms have computers, plants, and pets.

Children benefit from a variety of learning activities, including listening to stories, singing songs, chanting poems, solving math problems, investing science, and creating through art.  Children learn through play.  Each child's emotional and social development, oral, reading, writing, math, and science abilities are matured in rich, real-life contexts.

Every day, the educators provide exciting activities.  Children explore, discover, inquire, and problem-solve together.  The educators also provide intentional instruction to the large group, small groups, and individual children, based on each child's developmental learning stage.  Children also participate in daily outdoor or indoor physical activity.

3) Are parents allowed to pop in?

Depending on how the child is adjusting or adjusted, parents are recommended not to pop in.  

If your child is having a bit of a hard time settling in to the program, seeing their parent in the classroom may not be the best idea as the child may get the idea that they are going home or that you will always be in the classroom with them.  

An Open House or "Kindergarten Night" event is coordinated for just for parents to attend with their child to come in and explore their child's classroom and find out what a day in the life of their child is like. 

Volunteering at your child's school is a great way to say informed and contribute to your child's success.  There are many volunteer opportunities, including:

•  Preparation of arts and crafts supplies

•  Baking for bake sales

•  Classroom reading buddies

•  Membership on school council or attendance at school council meetings

•  Fundraising

•  Coordination of hot lunch or pizza days

•  Field trip supervision

•  Concert/special event assistance

•  Welcoming new families, proving help with translation/interpretation

•  Helping with the school's environmental program, e.g. garden planting or recycling.

4) What if my child does #2? What’s provided for them to clean themselves? Do the teachers assist?

Parents are encouraged to practice washroom routines like flushing the toilet, washing hands and dressing before their child starts school.  If your child does a "number 2" at school, the child is provided with the necessities to clean themselves - toilet paper and water.  

Unfortunately, the teachers cannot physically help the child during this time.  

If the child soils himself and is unable to clean themselves, a phone call will be made to the parents to come and help out.  Parents are told to bring a spare change of clothes in case.  

Accidents still happen during kindergarten and are completely normal.  The spare clothes are also used to change in to for days when your child has a really busy day and gets dirty.   

5) What if my child or another child is behaving badly, how are they disciplined? What’s the course of action?

Children are positively redirected if and when any inappropriate behaviours arise.  As mentioned previously, children learn through play.  They also learn problem-solving, creative thinking, and essential social skills.  

As educators, we want to find out what, if any, is causing these behaviours so that we can help the child understand how to fix the situation without it escalating.    

6) My child is allergic to certain foods. How do you monitor whether or not she/he is not exposed to any of it, especially during lunchtime?

In cases where your child has a food allergy, the educators, including the other kindergarten educators from other classrooms, are made aware of this.  

Schools have made it a point to make their environments a peanut and nut-free environment which may be made clear by posters displayed around the school.  

Newsletters are sent home to stress the importance of packing a peanut and nut-free lunch.  

During lunch time, either the educators or a lunchroom supervisor will monitor what the children are eating.

   

7) What items do you recommend we pack in our child’s backpack each day? What is not necessary?

If possible, the child's backpack should be large enough to fit an 8x10 sheet of paper without folding it.  

This is because it needs to hold your child's artwork, important letters from the school, the child's lunch and snacks, and extra clothes.  

Sending your child with crayons, markers, toys, etc., are not necessary as the children are provided with all these materials at school.  

We also don't want any of the child's belongings to "accidentally" end up in another child's backpack or even break while it's being shared with the other children. 

8) Are the kids monitored well at the end of day when they are being picked up or getting on school bus?

Every school will have a different way of safely dismissing the children at the end of the day.  

The educators ensure that the child gets picked up and sent home with the appropriate adult or sibling.  

As for the bus routine, there are always educators on duty to help make sure the children safely get on the appropriate bus.

9) What are your top 3 back-to-school must-haves for Kindergarten students?

Your child should have a backpack, a nutritious snack and lunch, and an ideal wardrobe for "power learning" including:

•  In the course of an average kindergarten class, your child will jump, run, walk, bounce, stretch, crouch, bend, and sit in a chair or on the floor.  Choose clothes and footwear that will be comfortable during all of these activities.

•  Choose clothes, jackets, shoes, and boots that are easy to put on, take off, and fasten.

•  Kindergarten children learn best when they explore, discover and experiment - in other words, get messy.  Choose clothes that are durable and easy to clean.

•  Outdoor play is an important part of the kindergarten program.  Your child needs outdoor clothing for all types of weather.

10) What is your advice for parents sending their child to Kindergarten for the first time?

On the first day of school, get yourself and your child up early enough to eat a calm, unhurried breakfast.  And keep things as normal as possible - if your child normally has cereal for breakfast, make cereal that morning.

When you say good-bye to your child on the first day, make it quick, light and reassured by a warm hug and a reminder that you, or the usual caregiver, will be there after school is finished.  

If you have feelings of anxiety and worry, try not to show those to your child.

After school, plan a special dinner with your child's favourites to celebrate the first day of school.  

Use the first day of school to start some routines that will help make sure the whole school year is great.  

One of these is to talk with your child every day about what happened at school - here are some questions that can help to start the discussion:

•  Did your teacher read you a story today?

•  What did you do in school today that you really liked?

•  Did you make a special friend?  Who is the special friend, tell me about him/her?

•  What do you like best about your teacher or about one of your friends in your classrooms?

•  What are you most looking forward to doing tomorrow?

Another good routine to get started on the first day of school is displaying your child's learning and school creations.  After you have looked and talked about it, display it on the fridge.  Or create a "gallery" by hanging an inexpensive bulletin board in the hallway at your child's eye level on which to tack your child's art, writing and photographs.  

Get the art gallery started by having your child draw a picture about the first day of school.

More helpful hints:

•  Speak positively to your child about starting school.

•  Expose your child to fun activities that include the use of crayons, markers, paint brushes, and scissors, etc.

•  Teach your child how to dress themselves.

•  Read and look at books with your child.

•  Contact the school to find out if there is an Open House or "Kindergarten Night" event you can attend with your child.

•  Visit neighbourhood and school playgrounds together.

•  Encourage your child to play with other children.

•  Practice washroom routines like flushing the toilet, washing hands and dressing.

•  Teach your child how to tidy up after themselves.

Tarra works for the Peel District School Board as the Designated Early Childhood Educator in a Full-Day Kindergarten program.  She begin her career working in a private daycare for 7 years before starting with the school board 2 years ago.  Since then, she's seen firsthand the benefits of 4 and 5 years olds beginning school in the Full-Day Kindergarten program. 

These answered questions were such a relief to me and I truly hope they help you as well.

Thank you to Tarra for taking the time to answer these questions for me and other parents out there.

If you have any other questions or would like to talk about concerns, I'm available to chat anytime! 

After all, it's so important to keep a close circle of other parents that you can confide in and share stories with.

Wishing you and your little ones a wonderful start to their school year!  

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Pink Shirt Day: Bye-Bye Bullies!

I was a victim of bullying.
When I was 6 years old, I was bullied every day from a very mean boy named Peter Campbell.  I will never forget his name or the affects of his verbal abuse.
He never physically hurt me nor attempted to but he would say some really mean things and make fun of me during sports play.  Hey, so I wasn't the most athletic little girl, many weren't, but for some odd reason this Peter Campbell decided he would pick me as his daily punching bag.
Did he like me? Perhaps. I learned this later on when we were older that he did in fact have a little crush on me but that doesn't mean what he did was OK.  It wasn't.  I was traumatized by it!
I would cry to my parents after school and avoid him at all costs everyday although that was difficult because he would just look for me and bother me again.

One day, while playing Tetherball (Do you remember this game? The ball on a string attached to a metal pole that you swing against you opponent to try and wind the entire string w/ball around the pole to win?), Peter was challenging me to a game and this time I went for it. And instead of being scared that he would beat me and tease me more about my horrible "tethering" skills, I played with all my might, a little too fast and furious in fact, that I ended up getting him right in the noggin with the volleyball that he fell over and in a matter of seconds let out a cry.
Did I feel bad for him? No.

Okay, I'm not trying to say fight fire with fire, that's not the moral of my story.  But, the anger and rage and loss of logic from a bullied child, teen, adult, can result in even more dangerous results.
So dangerous that many young children and teens (even adults) have contemplated, attempted and sadly lost their life to suicide due to depression.  Yes, that's how serious this is people.

They have much more to bullying now than back in our childhood years.  Now, we have access to the internet which is called Cyber-Bullying.  It's just as bad and very damaging.
ABC network came out with a movie in September 2011 called Cyberbully which follows a teenage girl that falls victim to online bullying, and the costs it takes on her as well as her family and friends.

Nip bullying in the butt before it even gets worse.
I was lucky to have had involved parents that went straight to the school and the bully's parents which resulted in a serious verbal warning and change in class.  He was told to keep his distance from me on school grounds.
This helped stopped the bullying and I went on to excel and thrive in school, making lots of friends and even eventually became civil with Peter in the later school years.

This is not just a problem with our children either.  This is also an issue in the workplace or even amongst other adults, especially between moms.  Check out my post on Bullying Moms. They do exist and they can be relentless, blood-sucking behemoths in Lululemons.

Today, February 29th 2012, Canada takes a stand against bullying by wearing Pink for Pink Shirt Day.
You can learn more about Pink Shirt Day here.  This is a great site to bookmark for you and your children.

Unfortunately most times, children will not tell their parents that they are being bullied.

Possible warning signs that a child is being bullied include:

• Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time
• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs)
• Takes a long, "illogical" route when walking to or from school
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
• Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
• Experiences a loss of appetite
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem

What to do if you suspect that your child is being bullied?

If your child shows any of these signs, this does not necessarily mean that he or she is being bullied, but it is a possibility worth exploring. What should you do? Talk with your child and talk with staff at school to learn more.

1. Talk with your child.
Tell your child that you are concerned and that you’d like to help. Here are some questions that can get the discussion going:

Some direct questions:
"I’m worried about you. Are there any kids at school who may be picking on you or bullying you?"
"Are there any kids at school who tease you in a mean way?"
"Are there any kids at school who leave you out or exclude you on purpose?"
Some subtle questions:
"Do you have any special friends at school this year? Who are they? Who do you hang out with?"
"Who do you sit with at lunch and on the bus?"
"Are there any kids at school who you really don’t like? Why don’t you like them? Do they ever pick on you or leave you out of things?"

2. Talk with staff at your child’s school.
Call or set up an appointment to talk with your child’s teacher. He or she will probably be in the best position to understand the relationships between your child and other peers at school. Share your concerns about your child and ask the teacher such questions as:

"How does my child get along with other students in his or her class?"
"With whom does he or she spend free time?"
"Have you noticed or have you ever suspected that my child is bullied by other students?" Give examples of some ways that children can be bullied to be sure that the teacher is not focusing only on one kind of bullying (such as physical bullying).

Ask the teacher to talk with other adults who interact with your child at school (such as the music teacher, physical education teacher, or bus driver) to see whether they have observed students bullying your child.

If you are not comfortable talking with your child’s teacher, or if you are not satisfied with the conversation, make an appointment to meet with your child’s guidance counselor or principal to discuss your concerns.

If you obtain information from your child or from staff at your child’s school that leads you to believe that he or she is being bullied, take quick action. Bullying can have serious effects on children.

If, after talking with your child and staff at his or her school, you don’t suspect that your child is being bullied, stay vigilant to other possible problems that your child may be having. Some of the warning signs above (e.g., depression, social isolation, and loss of interest in school) may be signs of other serious problems. Share your concerns with a counselor at your child’s school.


Let's look out for one another, shall we?
Let's take a stand against bullying!  For our children, grandchildren, family, friends, colleagues -- For the future and well-being of our world.


References
Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying at school: What we know and what we can do. NY: Blackwell.
Olweus, D., Limber, S., & Mihalic, S. (1999). The Bullying Prevention Program: Blueprints for violence prevention. Boulder, CO: Center for the Study and Prevention of Violence.

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Stop Stealing my Light bulbs!

In a previous life, I worked in a large organization as an HR Administrator/HR Recruiter.  I was responsible for handling the logistics behind employees - Employees that have been hired, fired, trained and paid.

I was also the one responsible for the full-cycle recruitment process - finding the right candidates for each and every job opening in all departments of the company - from Executive Level to Entry-Level. 

If you have or are still working in Human Resources, you know very well that we are the heart of the company.
The Mediators, the Neck, the Middle-Man. 

We know all, we've seen all, we do all - work politics got nothin' on us! 

If I had a penny for every time I was sitting in a board room taking part in a Mediation or Conflict Resolution between Peers, I would give Oprah Winfrey a run for her money (okay, well, close to it).

Every workplace has issues. No matter how perfect you think your group is or how well everybody gets along.

One of the most complained about issue that is mentioned during a conflict resolution has to do with ownership and ideas. Apparently, it's acutely common for others to take credit for their subordinates' work. Heck, it's happened to me plenty of times as well.  It's awful and so amiss. 

Especially when you've worked so hard only to get pushed in the corner.

But listen to me. And listen good. You will never create a solid career for yourself by worrying about who is stealing your ideas. People hate whiners, they hate bickering, and, most importantly, people who are confident that they have tons of ideas don't keep track of each one.

So ditch the worrying. Worrying about who gets credit for which ideas will prevent you from having a fulfilling work life. Here are five reasons why:

1) You do not have a finite number of good ideas.  The best idea people - the ones who have tons of good ideas - share them. If you're an entrepreneur, for instance, you have an idea and call six friends to share it. They each tell you why your idea won't work, and you do the same thing the next week, until you land on an idea that does work. The mix of friends might ebb and flow, but for an entrepreneur, the ideas never stop coming and you never stop sharing them.

Or take the person at an ad agency who is great with coming up with ideas. Sure, it's that person's job to sit in a room with clients and brainstorm, tossing out idea after idea for hours at a time. But you want to follow that model. Because really it's everyone's job at every company to come up with ideas. What are you doing in life if you are not being creative? Every job is creative. Every person is creative - you just need to unleash that part of yourself.

The people who have lots of ideas don't treat their ides as if they are precious. If your ideas are so valuable that they need protecting - or you think they do - you'll come across as someone who is anything but creative. Then no one will hire you for your ideas. So if you want to be known for your ideas, act like someone who has a lot of them. Keep them coming and give them away all the time. In the end, it will benefit you. If people steal them, take it as a compliment. The people with the fewest ideas are the ones who hoard them.

2) There are no unique ideas. Get over yourself. I know you're brilliant, but trust me when I tell you that someone has had the same idea - whatever it is. Do yourself a favor and instead of worrying about being the idea person, become the person that can make the idea reality. Everyone has ideas. Few people can execute. Deliver the ideas, and do it in a fun way. That will bring meaning to your work life.

3) People like nice people, not smart people.  My favorite workplace research shows that people would rather work with people who are likeable than people who are competent. The research was published in the Harvard Business Review twice - maybe like a nuclear bomb, because people didn't believe it the first time.

In fact, people view the nice people as more competent, even if they are not. And the skilled people who are jerks start appearing incompetent to their co-workers. That's how powerful being nice at the office is. In other words, others will view you as you better at your job if you stop bitching about who gets credit for ideas.

In my experience, the person everyone likes is the person who helps others get their job done. That person genuinely cares if you are happy doing your work; she genuinely cares if you feel connected and engaged. One way to become that well-liked person - share your ideas.

4) Your job is to make your boss happy.  Complaining doesn't make your boss's life easier. And demanding that your boss give you all the credit does not help, either. If you make your boss's life a dream, your boss will help you. She will mentor you, train you, guide you through the organization and pay you well. If she does that, so what if she takes your ideas? And if she doesn't do that, then leave.

Bosses do not complain that they don't have enough idea people working for them. Bosses complain that there is too much work to do. This is because bosses always think they are the idea people, whether or not they are. So if your boss thinks your co-worker has all the ideas, it doesn't matter. Your boss will promote the person who gets things done. In fact, maybe this means you should give your co-worker all your ideas and frame yourself as the one who is actually helping your boss day to day.

5) If you want to get credit for your ideas, get a blog.  Resumes don't showcase ideas. Resumes are a history of what others have allowed you to do in their organization. If you want to be known for the ideas you are coming up with right now, then write a blog. It's incredibly easy to write a blog if you have a lot of ideas. The ideas don't have to reveal company secrets; they just need to reveal how you think - about a wide range of things in your field.

So start putting your ideas out for public consumption. That's how you really get credit for good ideas. By saying them often and in front of lots of people. Think about that: It's hard to steal someone's ideas when those ideas are out in public. A warning, though: Don't write about people stealing your ideas - that's a bore. Just write the ideas. Talk about ideas on your blog, and others will associate those ideas with you.

Not all your ideas will be good, or on target. But it's more important simply to spout ideas regularly. So-called experts are not right more than the rest of us with opinions we don't share; they are just willing to put their ideas out there. Experts are people who start interesting conversations.

Where will all this get you? Someone will want to hire you or work with you not because of the list of tasks on your resume, but because you are that person with all those ideas. And once you're hired as the idea person, it doesn't matter if someone steals your ideas. Spreading ideas will be your job - and your work life will be richer for it.

Credits: hbr.org, cbsnews.com

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54 Ways to Take Care of Yourself When You’re Too Busy

We all have times in our lives when we just have too much stuff going on. There are always deadlines, exams, due dates and just too many priorities to juggle. And when everything is going wrong, the world is screaming for your attention and you just don’t have time – the last thing you need to hear is to “just take a day off”. So here are 55 gentle ways you can take care of yourself when you’re pressed for time and attention. Enjoy! 

Say no to anything that is not important to you

Laundry, phone calls with your mom, demanding girlfriends – this is not the time to be nice and “responsible”. Give yourself the permission to focus on what’s important. Getting the unessential responsibilites off your schedule will not only create som extra time and space, it will also lighten the burden you’re feeling to keep up with it all.

Ask for help

There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, and you’ll quickly learn that most people around you actually love to be asked! It makes them feel useful and important. What usually helps the most is to get help to do the normal things; cooking, shopping and regular every-day tasks. However, don’t underestimate how important the people in your life can be when it comes to feedback, motivationand supporting your self-confidence regarding the important work you’re doing.

Get enough sleep

An oldie, but a goodie. This old advice is not only essential when it comes to self-care, it is also absolutely essential when it comes to being able to do your best. Particularly important when it comes to exam periods and work stress, sleep will help you achieve. It’s easy to think that a few extra hours of work will do you more good, but it won’t. Sleep will.

Drink tea

Coffee will only get you that far, before it sends you down into tiredness again. While still being hot and comforting, tea (and especially the herbal kind) won’t make you dehydrated and shaky. If you’re feeling tired and think you need a coffeine boost, go for cold water (or iced tea) instead. Cold water will help wake you up!

Listen to your favourite music

Calm music will help you calm down and upbeat music will help you up your game. Pick music that won’t distract you (like music without lyrics or in a foreign language). Your favourite music will boost your mood and keep you happy, no matter how tired you are.

Eat healthy and green food

I know it’s tempting to order pizza, but it really pays off to take your time to cook and eat nutritious and healthy food. Not only will it help you achieve better, it will also boost your mood! I truly recommend heading over to The Stonesoup for some quick and easy recipes. Most of these recipes can be made in less than 10 minutes!

Take 5 minutes in the morning to just stretch and breathe

If you start your day in a stressful way, you’ll probably feel stressed for the rest of the day as well. Make sure your morning starts with 5 minutes of silence and ease. Stand up and stretch your body to make you as tall as you can be. Then bend over and touch the ground. Stretch again. Try to just feel your body and pay attention to your breath. Starting the day in a way like this will make you more relaxed as well!

Walk everywhere

You might be busy and think that every minute is valuable time to put into your work, but some extra minutes of walking might be a better way to spend some time. If you live close to where you’re going, it’s better to walk than to use public transport (or your car). Not only will the exercise be good for you, you also get      some important fresh air and daylight. If you have to commute, get off public transport one or two stops too early, or park your car further away than usual. The extra minutes of fresh air will save you lots of time when you start working and feel more focused.

Take 5-minute mini-breaks every hour

You can’t stay focused all the time. No matter how efficient you work, you’ll always get distracted, let your mind wander or end up spending time reading e-mail (and blogs) instead. A better way to spend this time is to get up from your chair, walk outside and take a 5-minute break. The change of place, the change of physical posture and the movement will make it easier to start again when your break is over. You’ll also give your brain a chance to relax and process information, which is essential for your well-being.

Break your self-care habits into smaller tasks and do one each day

No need to look like you’re constantly running after your life, even if you are! Just break up your routine into smaller, and more achievable chunchs. Shave your legs one day, paint your nails the next day, wash your hair the day after, etc. This approach also works with keeping your house tidy – just do one little chore every day and you’ll stay on top of everything more easily.

Make a plan of everything that needs to be done

Instead of juggling all your to-do’s and must-remember’s, write them down on a piece of paper. Then make a plan of how you are going to manage everything before your deadline. You may have to schedule a lot of tasks on certain days, and it may seem like too much to do, but at least you’ll know that everything will get done. Make sure you stick to the plan, every single day. Don’t fall for the temptation to start on tomorrow’s tasks today, trust that the plan will take you there, and enjoy some free time on the days when you finish your tasks early.

Make sure you keep in touch with your friends

Just a few text messages, tweets or the occational coffee will make sure your friendships don’t suffer. You will feel much better when you focus on something else entirely, and it will prevent you form becoming a workaholic hermit. You don’t have to keep in touch with everybody, most people will understand that you’re having a busy period. Just make sure you stay in touch with the people that make you happy and inspired.

Make room for rest

This one’s important. Make sure that whenever you plan to rest – really rest. That means that you will have to make a conscious effort to push all work-related thoughts and worries away. It’s also important that you rest your mind as well as your body. 5 minutes of stillness is better than 30 minutes in front of the TV!

Surround yourself with inspiring photos

Put up some of your favourite photos where you can see them when you work. Whenever you get unfocused, you will feel much better if you can rest your eyes on something pretty, rather than everything that reminds you of how busy you are. If you can’t put up photos at work or in a study hall, bring a scrapbook or use Pinterest on your computer.

Write a daily gratitude list

A daily gratitude list is really helpful to shift your focus and help you appreciate the situation. It doesn’t have to be long, a few sentences will do. If you keep a gratitude journal, you can also look back on your previous entries whenever you need a little boost of happiness and motivation.

Spend your lunchtime as sacred you-time

… and enjoy your healthy food with a little journaling, blog-reading, or people-watching. See it as a way to nourish your soul on several levels. It’s important to eat, but it’s equally important to be inspired, creative, silly, whimsical and happy.

Write a worry-list

Stress makes us more vulnerable, and worry can be a nasty side-effect of a busy period. If you find yourself worrying a lot, it’s a good idea to write a daily worry-list. Whenever you catch a worrying thought, write it down and save it for later. Spend 5 minutes in the morning and 5-minutes in the evening worrying about whatever you put on your list. It may sound simple, but postponing your worry will actually make it less worrying whenever you sit down and actually think about it in peace and quiet.

Take a run or a long walk

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Any sort of excercise will release endorophins, your body will thank you + it clears your head so you can focus on all the important work that lies ahead.

Keep a planner and shedule no-appointments time

To make your life less chaotic, it’s a good practice to keep a planner. Make sure you write down every single appointment, to save yourself from unwanted surprises and missed meetings. Just remember to schedule time for yourself. Honor your appointment with yourself just as much as you would keep an appointment with anyone else. Just make sure you schedule time with yourself first – anyone else needs to come in second in your life.

Keep track of your achievements

It may seem like you’re never going to get over a busy period, which is why you should keep a list of achievements close at any time.Whenever you hit a milestone – write it down! It will be very useful when you’re feeling tired by the end of the day and know that you still have several more hours of work before you can call it a day.

Wear your pretty clothes

… and be busy with style! If you dress nicely, chances are you’ll feel better too. All it takes is 5 minutes in the morning, and with your most powerful, wonderful and pretty clothes on, you’ll feel like a million for the rest of the day.

Go to a yoga class

…Or do some yoga at home. Even ten minutes of savasana is better than nothing, and will recharge your batteries (and your mind).

Take a hot bath

Nothing helps you relax like a hot bath. Use your favourite bubbles, turn off the light, light some candles and you’re good to go. One hour in the bath in the evening may be the best way to relax because of this simple fact – you can’t take your work and your computer with you.

Light candles

Candles have a relaxing effect, especially gently scented ones. If you can’t light candles in your workplace, make sure you light them when you get home. Lavender and cedarwood are scents that can help you relax.

Write support-thoughts and affirmations

Support-thoughts are thougths written down when you’re calm, that can support you when you are really busy and tired. For example, a gentle reminder of why you’re doing all the work, a short pep-talk, or a reminder of how wonderful you are is an amaxing way of taking care of yourself.

Craft an emotional emergency plan

Ideally, you should have this written down before you enter a really busy period. If everything goes wrong, and you’re maxed out, panicky or just plain exhausted – who do you call? what do you do? where do you go? Planning this in advance is self-care on a high level.

Breathe

Do I need to say more? When stress builds up, take five seconds off and just breathe. Deep.

Do something silly

Don’t forget to have fun! Who said you can’t laugh, even though you’re busy! Make jokes, engage with your co-workers, read comics and just allow yourself to be silly for a little while. I promise it wil boost your mood, your co-workers’ moods and a little laughter every day will help you through a really challenging time.

Single-task

Now is not the time to play superwoman. Be nice to yourself and let your brain tackle one task at a time. Rumours have it that this is more productive in the long run…

Take the last evening off

The last night before your big D(r)eadline is the night to relax. Panicking in the last minute isn’t a very good way of taking care of yourself. And you don’t want to oversleep on your exam day, have dark circles under your eyes on presentation day or distroy everything in the last minute because you spent the last night cramming. Take the last evening (or even the last day) off and relax. You’ve done your best, there’s nothing more you can do. Pat yourself on your back – you made it.

Keep a tidy workspace

It will make you more focused, relaxed and less overwhelmed.

Create some routines

When work or studies take all your focus, it can be useful to create some new habits or routines to take some of the burden off your back. Make it a habit to cook a larger batch of dinner on day 1, and eat leftovers for the next two days. Use Sundays to prepare what to wear for the next couple of days. Wear your hair in a ponytail five days in a row. This is not the time to expect yourself to find lots of different and exciting outfits, hairdo’s or recipes.

Write things down

When you’re mind is working over-time, let it relax by helping yourself remember everything. Write down any ideas, to-do’s, must-remember’s and other things you have to remember. This way, you don’t have to 

carry the additional stress of remembering everything you need to remember.

Accept a little clutter and mess

Just let it be. Some dust and a little dirt has never hurt anyone. Focus on what’s important to you, you can always clean up the mess later. Just don’t go around and feel bad about it on top of everything else!

Allow your emotions to come to the surface

If you’re tired and sad, cry it all out. If you’re stressed, don’t try to put on a mask and hide it. Get it all out, all the frustration, the overwhelm, the anger and the fear. You’ll feel much better after.

Honor your limits

Set some limits and stick with them. A lot of tasks when we’re busy don’t have a set limit, like when you’re studying and being creative. It’s easy to feel like you’re never quite done. Set some clear limits for yourself and honor them. Say to yourself; “when the time is up, I’m DONE”.

Take the weekends completely off

If you’re under constant pressure over an extended period of time, it’s good practice to keep the weekends completely sacred. This means no work e-mail or calls, no appointments or catching up.

Gather your support group

Call your mother and ask her to help you take care of the house, tell your girlfriends what you’re dealing with, seek out others in the same situation as you, and make sure your partner is on your team. Not only can they help with practical tasks, they will give you lot’s of moral support and you’ll feel less alone.

Outsource

Outsource what you can, for example your home cleaning, laundry or bookeeping.

Delegate

If you’re working on a team – make sure you don’t try to do everything yourself, delegate as much as you can to lighten your load.

Get more sunlight

Especially if your busy period is happening in winter, make sure you get your daily dose of sunlight if you’re spending a lot of time in gloomy libraries and workplaces.

Take your vitamins

This won’t even take you a minute – just go for a multivitamin paired with your breakfast. Especially important if you’re eating a lot of processed and unhealthy foods when you’re busy, but remember that vitamins don’t make up for an unhealthy diet.

Eat fresh fruit and vegetables

Keep some fruits and nuts close by and snack when you’re hungry. Don’t forget the veg, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes and carrots are great snacks!

Use scented oils in the shower

Lavender to relax, or a little peppermint to wake you up – all you need is a drop or two of essential oil in the shower.

Resist the urge to be productive all the time

You can’t be equally productive every single waking moment, so you might as well schedule some off time right away. Be nice to yourself and don’t expect to accomplish as much in the late evening as you do in the morning.

Limit your media consumption

… because your brain can only process a limited amount of information. When you need your focus to be on work, don’t overflow your brain with tv news, newspapers, magazines and books.

Meditate in the morning

Ten minutes of stillness can make all the difference.

Block out distractions

Need to get some work done? Consider to pull out your internet cable, switch off your phone and lock the door. If only for a few hours, you won’t miss out on anything, and you’ll feel a lot better afterwards.

Compliment yourself

Positive self-speech can seriously impact your mood. Instead of adding to the monkey-brain thoughts of not good enough, too stressed and panic – tell yourself you look good, that you’re doing great and that you can manage everything that comes your way.

Do the dreaded tasks first

There are always tasks you’ll love to do more than others, and it’s tempting to do those first. However, it’s a good idea to do the hardest tasks first. That way, you’ll save yourself from all the dread!

Brighten your day with colourful pencils and pretty stationary

It doesn’t have to cost much, but it will make a huge impact on your happiness – especially if you’re a stationary and design geek… (well, who isn’t?)

Reward yourself

Maybe not the best overall habit to get used to, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If you need it to get through – reward yourself with gifts, chocolate and breaks whenever you finish a task. Just don’t make it a habit to kick yourself if you don’t make it. Maybe you need the treat anyways?

Postpone all major decisions

… This is not the time to move houses, quit your day job or break up with your spouse (however tempting any of those changes are). Save the big stuff for when you’re calmer and can think clearer.

Accept yourself as you are

Let yourself off the hook and accept that you are only human. You are doing your absolute best, and you are doing exactly what you need to do. Trust your instincts and keep doing whatever you’re doing. You don’t need to change anything about yourself – trust that you are perfect just the way you are.

I wish you a happy, bustling time -
hope you achieve everything you dream of and more!

Do you focus enough on yourself when the world is screaming for your attention? What are your best self-care tips that are not on the list?

Credits: www.thefreedomexperiment.com

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Dealing with Difficult People & Avoiding Conflict

Research shows that supportive relationships are good for our mental and physical health. However, dealing with difficult people and maintaining ongoing negative relationships is actually detrimental to our health. It’s a good idea to diminish or eliminate relationships that are filled with conflict. But what do you do if the person in question is a family member, co-worker, or someone you otherwise can’t easily eliminate from your life?
The following are tips for dealing with difficult people who are in your life, for better or for worse:

Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Ongoing

Here's How:

1. Keep Conversations Neutral Avoid discussing divisive and personal issues, like religion and politics, or other issues that tend to cause conflict. If the other person tries to engage you in a discussion that will probably become an argument, change the subject or leave the room.
2. Accept The Reality of Who They Are In dealing with difficult people, don’t try to change the other person; you will only get into a power struggle, cause defensiveness, invite criticism, or otherwise make things worse. It also makes you a more difficult person to deal with.
3. Know What's Under Your Control Change your response to the other person; this is all you have the power to change. For example, don’t feel you need to accept abusive behavior. You can use assertive communication to draw boundaries when the other person chooses to treat you in an unacceptable way.
4. Create Healthier Patterns Remember that most relationship difficulties are due to a dynamic between two people rather than one person being unilaterally "bad." Chances are good that you're repeating the same patterns of interaction over and over; changing your response could get you out of this rut, and responding in a healthy way can improve your chances of a healthier pattern forming. Here’s a list of things to avoid in dealing with conflict. Do you do any of them? Also, here are some healthy communication skills to remember.
5. See The Best In People Try to look for the positive aspects of others, especially when dealing with family, and focus on them. (Developing your optimism and reframing skills can help here!) The other person will feel more appreciated, and you will likely enjoy your time together more.
6. Remember Who You're Dealing With Seeing the best in someone is important; however, don’t pretend the other person’s negative traits don’t exist. Don’t tell your secrets to a gossip, rely on a flake, or look for affection from someone who isn’t able to give it. This is part of accepting them for who they are.
7. Get Support Where You Can Find It Get your needs met from others who are able to meet your needs. Tell your secrets to a trustworthy friend who's a good listener, or process your feelings through journaling, for example. Rely on people who have proven themselves to be trustworthy and supportive, or find a good therapist if you need one. This will help you and the other person by taking pressure off the relationship and removing a source of conflict.
8. Let Go Or Get Space If You Need It Know when it’s time to distance yourself, and do so. If the other person can’t be around you without antagonizing you, minimizing contact may be key. If they’re continually abusive, it's best to cut ties and let them know why. Explain what needs to happen if there ever is to be a relationship, and let it go. (If the offending party is a boss or co-worker, you may consider switching jobs.)

Tips:

• Try not to place blame on yourself or the other person for the negative interactions. It may just be a case of your two personalities fitting poorly.
• Remember that you don't have to be close with everyone; just being polite goes a long way toward getting along and appropriately dealing with difficult people.
• Work to maintain a sense of humor -- difficulties will roll off your back much more easily. Shows like "Modern Family" and books like David Sedaris' Naked can help you see the humor in dealing with difficult people.
• Be sure to cultivate other more positive relationships in your life to offset the negativity of dealing with difficult people.

I really hope this helps many of you that are having such a hard time dealing with someone that just can't "disappear." It's important to think of yourself and the effects it has on your health.

Be well.

Credits: stress.about.com

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What is your Holiday Blueprint?

As we all know too well, holidays are more than festive occasions and celebrations. They are a time when families get together and the combination of old grudges, holiday drinks, and way too much time together can become a toxic mix verging on disaster. Sometimes we arrive at a relative's house as an adult and quickly regress into teenage behavior. And, yep, your children, especially teens, are watching and learning.

They are learning not only how you behaved as a teenager but are also developing their own blueprint about how to celebrate the holidays. They will likely carry that blueprint into their adulthood.

Consider what you may inadvertently be teaching your children:

1. Hold grudges and bring them up during the holiday season.

2. Drink too much and eat too much and act recklessly. Let it all hang out during the holidays.

3. Fight with your mother and pull out all the stops. Remind her of how much she preferred your other sibling(s.) Induce guilt during the holidays.

4. Compare all of the children to one another and brag away. Be sure to teach mean-spirited competitiveness.

5. Complain about the quality of the gifts. After all, it's the cost that counts.

Remember the holiday season is not only an opportunity to celebrate but also a time to teach your kids about how to celebrate.

Your thoughts?

Credits: Galtime.com, wallcoo.net

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Birth Order Characteristics: Are the Family Cliches True?

Are you a very neat person? Do you try to color coordinate your clothes? Love making lists? There’s a good chance you’re first born in your family birth order.

Your birth order affects your personality and nearly every aspect of your life, but it is not an absolute, indelible mark. It’s only one of many factors in personality development. And no one order is better than another, however, it can be reversed or turned around by illness, early death, or the mental incapacity of a sibling.

In first year of college, Psychology 101, taught me some interesting facts on birth order and how they affect your personality.
I am the eldest of three, a sister and a brother. Growing up and till now, I still hold that "I know a little better (if not a lot better) than you on a specific topic" or I "always have to have a say in everything" personality.  I can't help it. The experts are spot-on. I'm not going to say I'm a little better, more "smarter" or more popular than my siblings, that's not true. My sister is more socially-apt & forgiving than I am, my brother is more street-smart and artistic than I am and we all couldn't be more different, yet so alike in many things.
Do our parents treat us differently? Yes.
They love us equally but treat us according to our nature. Smart and observant move on their part. Years of raising children will teach you that and I'm sure to this day they're still learning how to deal with each of us (as we grow and mature).
Growing up I always wondered why my sister who is 3 years younger than I am and the "middle child" had a lot more friends than I held onto and why we fought a lot and hardly agreed on anything.
Also, why my younger brother that is 7 years my junior, was way too laid back and carefree yet we probably got along the best considering our age gap.
It all just makes total sense to me now!  I'm not just "type A" because I'm a Virgo (we'll get into this on another blog post), it's because I'm first-born! This has shed some light on me and I hope it does for many of you readers. What's your birth order?

If You’re the First Born …
The first-borns often are high achievers and are very conscientious, reliable, and loyal. They’re also scholarly (not all the time, though) and feel better being in control of a situation (I know I do).

Why? The parents. It’s the first baby and while there’s a lot of excitement and anticipation on the parents’ part, there’s also a lot of pressure and demand from them to be the best.

This can result in two basic types: compliant and wanting to please, or strong-willed and aggressive. (It’s possible to have traits of both.)

First-borns often have to grow up fast and become “little adults” before they’re ready.

If the first is a female, she may be another “mother” to her siblings. If there’s a youngest brother, he may be “mothered” by sister—even through adulthood! With the oldest brother, however, it’s mutual respect and a friendly rivalry.

A special note: “Only” children tend to have first-born characteristics, only more intensified.

Here are a few tips for coping with the first born status:

1. Relax. (Can be too active. This is very true, for many are workaholics.)
2. Learn to say no. (Don’t try to do everything and be everything to everyone.)
3. Don’t aim for perfection.
4. Keep paying attention to details.
5. Keep being organized.
6. Develop a sense of humor.

If You’re the Second or Middle-Born …
Second and middle-born’s tend to be a bit opposite of first-borns. A middle child can be: a loner, quiet and shy, sociable, outgoing, friendly, laid-back, a peacemaker, aggressive, very competitive, or not at all. (Basically unpredictable.)
Their behavior traits are not as firmly etched as the first-borns, for their role model is usually not the parents much, but their friends. Friends are very important to this birth order. Also, the middle-born (and seconds) can observe the first-born and pick up some traits there, or decide to go in the other direction.

Although they’re far more outgoing than first-borns, middles are the most secretive. They’re also the most monogamous of all birth orders (My middle brother really takes to children and married life) and have less hang-ups. (There’s not as much parental pressure to succeed.) In essence, they’re very balanced.

They have excellent people-oriented social skills and often make great managers and leaders because they understand compromise and negotiation.

If You’re the Youngest …
Now a few words about the youngest, last but definitely not least in the family. These are true “people persons” or life of the party. The babies are often charming, friendly manipulators who have a large desire to make their mark on the world. They’re also rather absentminded, and tend to have real highs and deep lows. They crave attention and are often the family clown or entertainer. People-oriented vocations are their forte. This group makes great salespeople.

Last-borns can be cocky, however, and they don’t worry about the after-effects of their actions or decisions. While they’re uncomplicated and affectionate, they can also be rebellious, temperamental, spoiled, and impatient.

This birth order could benefit by learning to be neat, accepting more responsibility, be less self-centered, and admit their faults without blaming others. In addition, try not to hog the spotlight.

Exceptions?


Some variables can affect the above descriptions. For instance, if there are several years between the first and second child, the second child will have some characteristics of a firstborn. Or, if the firstborn is a girl and the second a boy, the son will have some first-born characteristics because he is the family's first male offspring. Sibling deaths, adoptions and blended families can also upset the traditional birth order.

Children are all different and have to be parented in different ways. Dr. Leman recommends the following as a guide to parent kids by their birth order.

Parenting The First Born
Don't Be an Improver: Your child already feels the need to be perfect in every way. "Improving" tasks your firstborn attempts on her own will only increase the pressure she places on herself. For instance, let's say you ask your oldest son to make his bed. Being a firstborn he will, of course, seek your approval and want you to see the finished task. If you tell him it looks good but then proceed to fluff the pillow and straighten out wrinkles in the bedspread, you send the message that he could have done better.

Take Two-On--One Time: "Firstborns respond better to adult company than children of any other birth order. Firstborns often feel that parents don't pay much attention to them because they're always concentrating on the younger ones in the family. Make a special effort to have the first born join you and your spouse in going out alone for a treat, or to run some kind of special errand." (from Leman's book "The New Birth Order Book.")

Don't Pile On Responsibilities: Older children often feel as though they do much more work around the house than their younger siblings. Share the duties and errands as soon as young children are capable. And, stay away from making your first born the family's instant baby sitter. Check with his schedule, just as you would an outside babysitter.

Parenting The Middle Child
Make Time To Listen: Remember that middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. Although it's important to set aside time to talk to all of your children, it's particularly important to make this happen with the middle child because he is least likely to insist on his fair share of time.

Allow Child to Make Decisions: Empower your middle child and make him feel special by allowing him to make choices such as who gets to bowl first or what the family will eat for dessert. This will help alleviate feelings of always being overshadowed by older and younger siblings.

Update the Family Album: This may sound silly but it truly is important. There tend to be a billion photos of the firstborn and about six of the next child. To a child flipping through the family album, this is a sure sign that he's not loved as much. Be sure to have photos of the middle child alone, not always paired with the older sibling.

Parenting The Last Born
Stick to the Rules: The saying "he gets away with murder" is based in reality. Statistics show the lastborn is least likely to be disciplined and the least likely to have to toe the mark the way the older children did. You can be sure your older children are watching you closely!

Hand Out Responsibility: Lastborns often wind up with less to do around the house for two reasons. One, they are pros at ducking out of work. And two, they are so little and "helpless" that the rest of the family decides it's easier to do the work themselves. You want to raise a confident, self-reliant child so don't promote this helpless image.

Applaud Accomplishments: Leman says that lastborns are well known for feeling that nothing they do is important. Make a big deal out of accomplishments (you may have seen two other kids learn to ride a bike but it's the first time for your baby) and be sure he gets his fair share of "marquee time" on the refrigerator.

Parents' Birth Order

We've been discussing children's birth orders, but it's important to realize that parenting style is also influenced by the parent's own birth order. Parents subconsciously identify with the child who holds the spot in the family they occupied themselves. A lastborn dad might think his youngest antics are cute while mom sees them as irresponsible.

Also, firstborns are perfectionists their whole lives. As parents, they may set standards that are difficult for a child to reach. This makes them frustrated and their children unhappy.

What's your birth order personality? Take this fun quiz from parents.com to find out and see if it fits your actual birth order!

Leave me a comment telling me your thoughts on this and what birth order you're in. Does it match what the experts say?

Credits: divinecaroline.com, parents.com, cbsnews.com

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