Unhealthy Relationships: Part 2

I came across this interesting article by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen.

I hope it sheds some light for some of you folks out there that may be confused about relationships in your lives.

Be happy! 

Ending Unhealthy, Codependent Relationships

Sometimes relationships have to end, especially if they're codependent or unhealthy. Here's when to say good-bye to a bad friend or unhealthy relationship.

Ending an unhealthy, codependent relationship is difficult, but it's vital to know when it's time to say good-bye to a bad friend or relationship - for your own emotional and mental health!

These tips are for both friendships and love relationships.

Drifting apart happens even when people were once very close friends: people move, life circumstances change, priorities are shifted, jobs lost or found…people simply change, and the friendship changes too. Sometimes friends just lose touch and move on. Other times people end relationships on purpose, especially if they're weak or unhealthy. When people end unhealthy friendships, they decide to say good-bye for good and cut off all contact.

Whether it's deliberate or a matter of drifting away, ending friendships can be hard to accept -- even if your friend was bad or your relationship was unhealthy or codependent.

Why People End Friendships or Relationships

Some relationships are weaker than others, which makes ending them easier. If friendships aren't based on similarities or true connections, ending them seems inevitable. Unhealthy friendships may not last very long, especially if the bonds aren't authentic.

Several factors can masquerade as "things in common": proximity (simply living or working near one another), common friends, partners who are friends, children who are friends, or loneliness. Other relationships start in one chapter of life, and don’t easily transfer into the next chapter, such as a friendship that began in while you were married to one person, and that ended after the divorce. Then, ending friendships may not be deliberate, but rather more natural.

How to Know if Your Relationship is Codependent and Unhealthy

Consider ending a friendship if:

• You don’t feel respected, and your friend doesn’t seem to hear your concerns. For instance, they may be constantly late meeting you and then disregard your feelings. Or they borrow money and neglect to repay it, or borrow items and return them broken or not at all.
• You can’t speak your mind honestly, or can’t find space in the conversation to speak at all (healthy boundaries don't exist with bad or codependent friends).
• You leave your visits feeling depressed, frustrated, exhausted, depleted or angry. A friend should leave you feeling happy, content, connected, and hopeful. A bad friend makes you feel bad.
• Your friend behaves immorally, unethically, illegally, or in any way that runs counter to your beliefs and values. Ending a friendship like this -- which can be codependent -- may be the best thing for both of you.
• Your friend never makes the effort to call or visit you. You find yourself reaching out, with minimal success. Sometimes you don't even need to formally end a friendship with bad friends, it just happens naturally. Unhealthy, codependent friendships can die a natural death.
• You're friends with an energy vampire (a type of bad friend). Ending unhealthy friendships could protect your well-being.

Another reason to end codependent friendships are unmet expectations. A huge part of any relationship is expectations. If you expect your friend to show up on time, and you’re kept waiting, then you’ll be disappointed. But -- this isn't necessarily a bad friend or unhealthy friendship. If you know you'll have to wait and even bring a book or your laptop, then you may not feel disrespected or frustrated. All friendships require concessions, exceptions and loving forgiveness -- and you have to decide if your friendship is worth it.

What is your perspective on the friendship? Another aspect of all relationships is your view of the issues. Is tardiness a sign of a disrespectful or bad friend or simple disorganization? Is “immoral” behavior universally wrong (selling crystal meth to 12 year olds) or a matter of opinion (Christians shouldn’t drink wine)? Take an objective look at your friendship; do the benefits outweigh the negatives? If you're considering ending a friendship, consider the relationship as a whole. Learn how to set boundaries in relationships.

When the quality of the friendship outweighs the perceived misdemeanors, then hold on to your friend; good ones are hard to find. But, if the friendship involves more struggle and frustration than connection and joy, then it may be time to say good-bye to a bad friend.

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Unhealthy Relationships: Part 1

Some of my favourite shows on television include Friends & Sex and the City. Not only for the funny, quirky, witty, and fashion forward content, but mostly for the relationships between all the characters.  The friendships. 

Looking at their friendships causes me to wonder just how realistic they are. Friendships portrayed on Friends and Sex and the City exemplify the types of friendships many of us yearn for: They last for years, they make it through thick and thin, they see one another on a regular if not daily basis and the characters are honest with one another, even when it means saying something the other person doesn’t want to hear. In a way, I feel like these portrayals create the illusion of a Prince 
Charming of friendships.


Perhaps it's because something deep inside me longs for friendships like that. Where you can just call up a friend and say you need a little break and that friend will be at your doorstep with a bottle of red wine, cupcakes and movies within an hour or two.

I use to be surrounded by plenty of great friends. All from different parts of my life and for different reasons.

As we grow up, we learn to hold strong to those that have proven themselves to us, time and time again. That share memories and experiences that no other person in this world has with you and most importantly has never left your side. 
Life gets in the way, you graduate, you move out of town, you get married, have children, etc. etc. etc. Where do those friends go? If you're one of the lucky ones that have held onto such a friendship (whether it's 3 of them or even just 1) over the years or have gained some new relationships that look promising, be glad. It's unfortunately not common.

This is true for myself. I consider myself a strong-willed yet loving individual and am just open to someone that looks for loyalty, honesty and empathy. That's all I want. I don't like beating around the bush and I don't like half-assed friends. Pardon the french but I couldn't think of a better word for them. :p

I've gone through many trials and tribulations in my life and those friends that I thought were friends seem to have disappeared or faded in the shadows of my life.

I was blessed with a fruitful and loving marriage and a beautiful child. I have a great support system with family. Is life a balance? Where you lack in one part of it, God provides for you abundantly in the other?

I'm still in the learning process of re-discovering who I am and what I want for myself. I think this is important for everyone.

I'm tired of giving myself and my attention to those that are giving less than they should.

As the saying goes, "Never make someone your priority, when they only make you an option."

I've come across plenty of examples of this quote with past friendships, specifically former best friends. If they can't make time for you, then there's something terribly wrong with that. But, far to often I noticed I had let it slide thinking that I may have offered a few false promises in the past as well. Hey, nobody's perfect. And we all have choices.

Very close friendships take tremendous work, dedication, and effort from all parties involved. Similar to romantic relationships, when we let our own issues and baggage get muddled into the picture, our friendships can become strained and suffer as a result. No one is perfect, and although there are certain traits
we look for in a friend, there are definitely dynamics that can be very detrimental:

1. Jealousy: It is natural for every one of us to be envious at one time or another. Maybe we’re envious of a friend’s job … of their marital relationship … of their ability to have children when we cannot … but, when that envy turns into something that looks more like resentment or jealousy … that is when we have a problem. If your friend can’t let go of their own hang-ups in order to be happy for you when you have something positive happen in your life, it may be a sign that their hang-ups are stronger than your friendship.

2. Destructive Feedback and Communication: Although honesty is important in a relationship, if it comes in the form of belittling us or hurting us, the honesty turns into something very ugly. Communicating with one another honestly and openly must be done with respect, love, and sensitivity. If you find that your friend consistently gives you feedback that leaves you feeling bad about yourself, they may be suffering from their own insecurities and as a result, are tearing you down to make themselves feel better. Regardless, it isn’t healthy and is far from constructive or helpful.

3. Selfishness: There will inevitably be times when your friend’s needs are more important than yours and vice verse, however, if your friendship is ALWAYS about your friend and their needs, it is unhealthy. Ultimately, friendship should be about mutual give and take, and support.

4. Lack of Reciprocation: Are you always the one reaching out to your friend? Are you always the one to initiate time together? Granted, some people are not good at initiating and need to be “pulled” along, but if this happens ALL the time, it can start to wear thin and make you feel that you’re not a real priority to your friend.

5. Incessant Negativity: Misery loves company and when things are bad, we love to have others in the trenches with us. If complaining and negativity is the only way you and your friend can relate, however, you may be creating a very unhealthy foundation for your friendship. Friendships should have positive forces in work and ideally, should bring out the best in each of you.

6. Judgment: Judgment in a friendship can eat away at your spirit, your self-confidence, and your trust in one another. Your friend should be able to accept your decisions, views, or needs and shouldn’t impose their views and perceptions as the only “right” way. Friends should let you be true to yourself. Each of you are individuals and although you may be friends, what might be right for your friend may not be right for you.

If you are experiencing any of these behaviors or traits in your friendship, try to speak to your friend about your concerns openly and honestly. If you can discuss the issue together and work to finds way to repair any possible damage, your friendship may in fact be stronger for it.

Have you experienced any of these issues in one of your close friendships? How did you handle the situation?

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