Pink Shirt Day: Bye-Bye Bullies!

I was a victim of bullying.
When I was 6 years old, I was bullied every day from a very mean boy named Peter Campbell.  I will never forget his name or the affects of his verbal abuse.
He never physically hurt me nor attempted to but he would say some really mean things and make fun of me during sports play.  Hey, so I wasn't the most athletic little girl, many weren't, but for some odd reason this Peter Campbell decided he would pick me as his daily punching bag.
Did he like me? Perhaps. I learned this later on when we were older that he did in fact have a little crush on me but that doesn't mean what he did was OK.  It wasn't.  I was traumatized by it!
I would cry to my parents after school and avoid him at all costs everyday although that was difficult because he would just look for me and bother me again.

One day, while playing Tetherball (Do you remember this game? The ball on a string attached to a metal pole that you swing against you opponent to try and wind the entire string w/ball around the pole to win?), Peter was challenging me to a game and this time I went for it. And instead of being scared that he would beat me and tease me more about my horrible "tethering" skills, I played with all my might, a little too fast and furious in fact, that I ended up getting him right in the noggin with the volleyball that he fell over and in a matter of seconds let out a cry.
Did I feel bad for him? No.

Okay, I'm not trying to say fight fire with fire, that's not the moral of my story.  But, the anger and rage and loss of logic from a bullied child, teen, adult, can result in even more dangerous results.
So dangerous that many young children and teens (even adults) have contemplated, attempted and sadly lost their life to suicide due to depression.  Yes, that's how serious this is people.

They have much more to bullying now than back in our childhood years.  Now, we have access to the internet which is called Cyber-Bullying.  It's just as bad and very damaging.
ABC network came out with a movie in September 2011 called Cyberbully which follows a teenage girl that falls victim to online bullying, and the costs it takes on her as well as her family and friends.

Nip bullying in the butt before it even gets worse.
I was lucky to have had involved parents that went straight to the school and the bully's parents which resulted in a serious verbal warning and change in class.  He was told to keep his distance from me on school grounds.
This helped stopped the bullying and I went on to excel and thrive in school, making lots of friends and even eventually became civil with Peter in the later school years.

This is not just a problem with our children either.  This is also an issue in the workplace or even amongst other adults, especially between moms.  Check out my post on Bullying Moms. They do exist and they can be relentless, blood-sucking behemoths in Lululemons.

Today, February 29th 2012, Canada takes a stand against bullying by wearing Pink for Pink Shirt Day.
You can learn more about Pink Shirt Day here.  This is a great site to bookmark for you and your children.

Unfortunately most times, children will not tell their parents that they are being bullied.

Possible warning signs that a child is being bullied include:

• Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time
• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs)
• Takes a long, "illogical" route when walking to or from school
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
• Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
• Experiences a loss of appetite
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem

What to do if you suspect that your child is being bullied?

If your child shows any of these signs, this does not necessarily mean that he or she is being bullied, but it is a possibility worth exploring. What should you do? Talk with your child and talk with staff at school to learn more.

1. Talk with your child.
Tell your child that you are concerned and that you’d like to help. Here are some questions that can get the discussion going:

Some direct questions:
"I’m worried about you. Are there any kids at school who may be picking on you or bullying you?"
"Are there any kids at school who tease you in a mean way?"
"Are there any kids at school who leave you out or exclude you on purpose?"
Some subtle questions:
"Do you have any special friends at school this year? Who are they? Who do you hang out with?"
"Who do you sit with at lunch and on the bus?"
"Are there any kids at school who you really don’t like? Why don’t you like them? Do they ever pick on you or leave you out of things?"

2. Talk with staff at your child’s school.
Call or set up an appointment to talk with your child’s teacher. He or she will probably be in the best position to understand the relationships between your child and other peers at school. Share your concerns about your child and ask the teacher such questions as:

"How does my child get along with other students in his or her class?"
"With whom does he or she spend free time?"
"Have you noticed or have you ever suspected that my child is bullied by other students?" Give examples of some ways that children can be bullied to be sure that the teacher is not focusing only on one kind of bullying (such as physical bullying).

Ask the teacher to talk with other adults who interact with your child at school (such as the music teacher, physical education teacher, or bus driver) to see whether they have observed students bullying your child.

If you are not comfortable talking with your child’s teacher, or if you are not satisfied with the conversation, make an appointment to meet with your child’s guidance counselor or principal to discuss your concerns.

If you obtain information from your child or from staff at your child’s school that leads you to believe that he or she is being bullied, take quick action. Bullying can have serious effects on children.

If, after talking with your child and staff at his or her school, you don’t suspect that your child is being bullied, stay vigilant to other possible problems that your child may be having. Some of the warning signs above (e.g., depression, social isolation, and loss of interest in school) may be signs of other serious problems. Share your concerns with a counselor at your child’s school.


Let's look out for one another, shall we?
Let's take a stand against bullying!  For our children, grandchildren, family, friends, colleagues -- For the future and well-being of our world.


References
Olweus, D. (1993). Bullying at school: What we know and what we can do. NY: Blackwell.
Olweus, D., Limber, S., & Mihalic, S. (1999). The Bullying Prevention Program: Blueprints for violence prevention. Boulder, CO: Center for the Study and Prevention of Violence.

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Bullying Mommies: They do Exist!

From snide asides to their friends and outright ridicule to undermining authority and adherence to a subjective social order, the moms can be cutthroat. All in the name of their children, of course. But don't let the "mother bear" label fool anyone. They are bullies, plain and simple. As our country has become more aware of the effects of bullying on our kids, we are also becoming more aware of bullying in the workplace and among neighbors. I don't think, however, that bullying among moms on the volunteer parent groups is on many people's radar just yet. It should be.

Have you ever watched The Mean Girls? If you have teenage girls, you definitely have!
You know that group of "cool people" in the school that (almost) everyone wanted to be friends with despite their nasty and superficial attitudes? Them.

Growing up since Elementary & High School, you can say I was one of the "cool girls".
I grew up & hung around all the "right" people, I participated in school functions & activities, I was a scholar, I dated the "hot" guys, had a nice car, and I was always one of the first to be invited & in the know about all the best parties!
Yes, I was a popular girl.
But you want to know what really made me popular and I can honestly say I'm very proud of? I was nice.
I was social with everyone -- the "nerds", the "goths", the "jocks, the "skaters", the "loners"... Any and all -- I had no problems with anyone.

Now as an adult and a mother, the importance of anti-bullying matters a whole lot more to me than ever before. My daughter is 3 and starting school next September. At already such a young age, when taking her to the playground, I've already seen young children exhibiting signs of bullying. It's awful!
I can't imagine how I would feel if my daughter fell victim to bullying.

But you know what's funny? Even as an adult, I've seen (this has not happened to me personally), some pretty horrid Bully Moms. Yes, they do exist! Look around your PTA board, neighborhood, church, office, even online on Social Media networks and you will probably know what I'm talking about.

What Makes a Mom a Bully?
There seems to be an assumption that since moms are often the ones working with the kids to combat childhood bullying, they must be immune from the problem. Not at all. We may call it adult cliques, or even put it off to the social structure of the town, but what makes a bully is the same in every place and every age. One website lists bullying as "persistent unwelcome behavior, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more." How often has that happened in your community. Heck, in your playgroup?

Think about just any recent issue of any significant discussion in your community. Did any of the following occur?

• A mom tried to make another feel uncomfortable about their position on the issue, or called names, or spread a rumor, and did it more than once?
• A mom was so determined for the outcome to be as they wanted it that they were willing to do just about anything to anyone to get it?
• A mom seemed to derive satisfaction or power from these behaviors.
• A mom tried to rally others to this behavior.

All that is bullying behavior. In a social/community organization situation, it not only is unhealthy for the persons directly involved, but it impedes the goals of and participation in the organization. Who would want to be a part of the parent group if that is going on?

What are some of the results of such Bullying?
One very big result of this kind of behavior that I see in my community is lack of participation. People just don't want to get involved when that is going on - then they get called apathetic because of it. (Great cycle!) We are really losing out on some great ideas and great minds by tolerating bullying behaviors from a select few. Our whole community loses. That, however, is just the simple results.

Other results of bullying are just as they are for kids. Those being bullied can experience loss of self-esteem, non-acceptance, fear, anxiety, even depression. We may not see it as readily as we do with kids (moms I know are much more adept at hiding issues than when we were kids), but it's still there.

As parents, it's our job to model appropriate behaviors. If we don't recognize and stand up to bullying, how can we expect our kids to do the same? Accepting bullying of this or any kind reinforces the status quo - and the negative cycle.

What can you do? 
First of all, look at yourself in the mirror and ask the honest question, "Do I engage in any of these behaviors?" If the answer is yes, or even maybe, resolve to stop and take whatever steps you need to display respect for those around you. If you need to apologize, do so. I admit that I've made some mistakes in this area, and it's a hard realization.

Then you need to make the decision about whether you want to be the one to speak up. Whether you do or do not is wholly up to you. Some moms feel empowered to affect change in these situations, some don't. If you do: 

• Call it what it is: You won't be popular, but bullying issues need to be addressed at all levels, for the health of the whole community.
• Be prepared for backlash: The bullying behaviors you are trying to squelch may become more intense at first in response. No one likes having their less than stellar behaviors called out; they can get defensive.
• Don't stoop to their level: Engaging in some of the same negative behaviors can feel like the easy thing to do, especially when the bullying behaviors are directed at you. It's not, however, the right thing to do.
• Look for and accept support where you can: I bet that if you bring it up, someone will quietly contact you in support. Maybe more than one, and maybe that small group can be the genesis of change going forward.
• Work for a solution:
  Try, if at all possible, to focus on the end result, the desired positive outcome. Ask for more discourse on the topic, again and again if you have to. Ask for the training materials that are used with the kids to be used in your group. 

No matter your best efforts, you may not be able to solve the problem. This is disappointing, and everyone needs to decide for themselves how much they can give to a particular effort. I think, though, that it's most important to raise the issue. Your community will benefit in the long run.

Photo Credit: Mavavoomcom

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