Are you a very neat person? Do you try to color coordinate your clothes? Love making lists? There’s a good chance you’re first born in your family birth order.
Your birth order affects your personality and nearly every aspect of your life, but it is not an absolute, indelible mark. It’s only one of many factors in personality development. And no one order is better than another, however, it can be reversed or turned around by illness, early death, or the mental incapacity of a sibling.
I am the eldest of three, a sister and a brother. Growing up and till now, I still hold that "I know a little better (if not a lot better) than you on a specific topic" or I "always have to have a say in everything" personality. I can't help it. The experts are spot-on. I'm not going to say I'm a little better, more "smarter" or more popular than my siblings, that's not true. My sister is more socially-apt & forgiving than I am, my brother is more street-smart and artistic than I am and we all couldn't be more different, yet so alike in many things.
Do our parents treat us differently? Yes.
They love us equally but treat us according to our nature. Smart and observant move on their part. Years of raising children will teach you that and I'm sure to this day they're still learning how to deal with each of us (as we grow and mature).
Growing up I always wondered why my sister who is 3 years younger than I am and the "middle child" had a lot more friends than I held onto and why we fought a lot and hardly agreed on anything.
Also, why my younger brother that is 7 years my junior, was way too laid back and carefree yet we probably got along the best considering our age gap.
It all just makes total sense to me now! I'm not just "type A" because I'm a Virgo (we'll get into this on another blog post), it's because I'm first-born! This has shed some light on me and I hope it does for many of you readers. What's your birth order?
If You’re the First Born …
The first-borns often are high achievers and are very conscientious, reliable, and loyal. They’re also scholarly (not all the time, though) and feel better being in control of a situation (I know I do).
Why? The parents. It’s the first baby and while there’s a lot of excitement and anticipation on the parents’ part, there’s also a lot of pressure and demand from them to be the best.
This can result in two basic types: compliant and wanting to please, or strong-willed and aggressive. (It’s possible to have traits of both.)
First-borns often have to grow up fast and become “little adults” before they’re ready.
If the first is a female, she may be another “mother” to her siblings. If there’s a youngest brother, he may be “mothered” by sister—even through adulthood! With the oldest brother, however, it’s mutual respect and a friendly rivalry.
A special note: “Only” children tend to have first-born characteristics, only more intensified.
Here are a few tips for coping with the first born status:
1. Relax. (Can be too active. This is very true, for many are workaholics.)
2. Learn to say no. (Don’t try to do everything and be everything to everyone.)
3. Don’t aim for perfection.
4. Keep paying attention to details.
5. Keep being organized.
6. Develop a sense of humor.
If You’re the Second or Middle-Born …
Second and middle-born’s tend to be a bit opposite of first-borns. A middle child can be: a loner, quiet and shy, sociable, outgoing, friendly, laid-back, a peacemaker, aggressive, very competitive, or not at all. (Basically unpredictable.)
Their behavior traits are not as firmly etched as the first-borns, for their role model is usually not the parents much, but their friends. Friends are very important to this birth order. Also, the middle-born (and seconds) can observe the first-born and pick up some traits there, or decide to go in the other direction.
Although they’re far more outgoing than first-borns, middles are the most secretive. They’re also the most monogamous of all birth orders (My middle brother really takes to children and married life) and have less hang-ups. (There’s not as much parental pressure to succeed.) In essence, they’re very balanced.
They have excellent people-oriented social skills and often make great managers and leaders because they understand compromise and negotiation.
If You’re the Youngest …
Now a few words about the youngest, last but definitely not least in the family. These are true “people persons” or life of the party. The babies are often charming, friendly manipulators who have a large desire to make their mark on the world. They’re also rather absentminded, and tend to have real highs and deep lows. They crave attention and are often the family clown or entertainer. People-oriented vocations are their forte. This group makes great salespeople.
Last-borns can be cocky, however, and they don’t worry about the after-effects of their actions or decisions. While they’re uncomplicated and affectionate, they can also be rebellious, temperamental, spoiled, and impatient.
This birth order could benefit by learning to be neat, accepting more responsibility, be less self-centered, and admit their faults without blaming others. In addition, try not to hog the spotlight.
Exceptions?
Some variables can affect the above descriptions. For instance, if there are several years between the first and second child, the second child will have some characteristics of a firstborn. Or, if the firstborn is a girl and the second a boy, the son will have some first-born characteristics because he is the family's first male offspring. Sibling deaths, adoptions and blended families can also upset the traditional birth order.
Children are all different and have to be parented in different ways. Dr. Leman recommends the following as a guide to parent kids by their birth order.
Parenting The First Born
Don't Be an Improver: Your child already feels the need to be perfect in every way. "Improving" tasks your firstborn attempts on her own will only increase the pressure she places on herself. For instance, let's say you ask your oldest son to make his bed. Being a firstborn he will, of course, seek your approval and want you to see the finished task. If you tell him it looks good but then proceed to fluff the pillow and straighten out wrinkles in the bedspread, you send the message that he could have done better.
Take Two-On--One Time: "Firstborns respond better to adult company than children of any other birth order. Firstborns often feel that parents don't pay much attention to them because they're always concentrating on the younger ones in the family. Make a special effort to have the first born join you and your spouse in going out alone for a treat, or to run some kind of special errand." (from Leman's book "The New Birth Order Book.")
Don't Pile On Responsibilities: Older children often feel as though they do much more work around the house than their younger siblings. Share the duties and errands as soon as young children are capable. And, stay away from making your first born the family's instant baby sitter. Check with his schedule, just as you would an outside babysitter.
Parenting The Middle Child
Make Time To Listen: Remember that middle children tend to avoid sharing how they really feel. Although it's important to set aside time to talk to all of your children, it's particularly important to make this happen with the middle child because he is least likely to insist on his fair share of time.
Allow Child to Make Decisions: Empower your middle child and make him feel special by allowing him to make choices such as who gets to bowl first or what the family will eat for dessert. This will help alleviate feelings of always being overshadowed by older and younger siblings.
Update the Family Album: This may sound silly but it truly is important. There tend to be a billion photos of the firstborn and about six of the next child. To a child flipping through the family album, this is a sure sign that he's not loved as much. Be sure to have photos of the middle child alone, not always paired with the older sibling.
Parenting The Last Born
Stick to the Rules: The saying "he gets away with murder" is based in reality. Statistics show the lastborn is least likely to be disciplined and the least likely to have to toe the mark the way the older children did. You can be sure your older children are watching you closely!
Hand Out Responsibility: Lastborns often wind up with less to do around the house for two reasons. One, they are pros at ducking out of work. And two, they are so little and "helpless" that the rest of the family decides it's easier to do the work themselves. You want to raise a confident, self-reliant child so don't promote this helpless image.
Applaud Accomplishments: Leman says that lastborns are well known for feeling that nothing they do is important. Make a big deal out of accomplishments (you may have seen two other kids learn to ride a bike but it's the first time for your baby) and be sure he gets his fair share of "marquee time" on the refrigerator.
Parents' Birth Order
We've been discussing children's birth orders, but it's important to realize that parenting style is also influenced by the parent's own birth order. Parents subconsciously identify with the child who holds the spot in the family they occupied themselves. A lastborn dad might think his youngest antics are cute while mom sees them as irresponsible.
Also, firstborns are perfectionists their whole lives. As parents, they may set standards that are difficult for a child to reach. This makes them frustrated and their children unhappy.
What's your birth order personality? Take this fun quiz from parents.com to find out and see if it fits your actual birth order!
Leave me a comment telling me your thoughts on this and what birth order you're in. Does it match what the experts say?
Credits: divinecaroline.com, parents.com, cbsnews.com
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